The "L" word

When I started this blog, I kept thinking about all the things I thought I should be writing about, or what the purpose of this blog was going to be, what focus it should have ... and after many frustrated attempts to "plan" my entries, I finally realized that the only things I can ever write about are the things I experience in my own life.

I wasn't looking to make this blog personal, but how could it not be?  Everything in life is filtered through my perspective, everything.  So no matter what, everything in my life already is personal, and it's also the space in which I am most comfortable – it's the way I naturally experience and live in the world.  Thus, anything that comes into that space instantly has the potential to become something I can be comfortable with ... but only as long as I actually deal with it, which is the topic at hand.

A few weeks ago, I spent a couple days checking out Hana, a remote area on Maui that is largely undeveloped, which makes it very beautiful, and very quiet.  It's one of many promoted tourist destinations on Maui, since the highway itself is considered part of the attraction; and secondly, the Hana area is inspiring and intense: the gorgeous landscape is imposing and rugged, and the ocean can be quite fierce.

But while I was enjoying the sights and taking scenic pictures along with all the other tourists, I found myself dealing with an annoying and uncomfortable sensation.  It was subtle, but constant.  I wasn't in pain, I wasn't bored ...  I couldn't tell quite what it was, but it was there, poking at me, like the story of the princess and the pea ... just something about my trip that wasn't quite right ... and I eventually realized it was the sensation of being lonely.

Ahhhh .... the dreaded "L" word: Lonely.  Nobody likes that feeling.  Even when you hear the word, you tend to wince a little inside, either from compassion or pity.  Being lonely means feeling left out, forgotten, and at it's worst, meaningless.  You feel that no one cares about you, nobody loves you, or even that no one knows you exist.

I have dealt with loneliness many times throughout my life, and here I was, facing it again.   I had assumed as a child that once I "grew up", loneliness wouldn't be around, because first of all I'd have a wonderful life full of great friends and a perfect boyfriend/husband and lots of adoration; and secondly, I'd know how to avoid it ... but apparently that's not how it works.  Loneliness is not something you can dodge like a pothole in the road, it's a bit more complex than that.

  

It's not easy to look into your feelings of inadequacy, despair, fear, or any other strong, uncomfortable emotional state.  In most cases, it feels like we have done something 'wrong' to get there; that sadness and loneliness are symptoms of something wrong in our life, and we need to get back on the 'right' (which means feeling good) track as soon as possible.

This is one reason why strong and uncomfortable emotions are commonly referred to as our dark or shadow aspects of self, the sides of our personalities that we don't often acknowledge.  It is a general habit to move instinctively towards good and pleasant feelings, and avoid the uncomfortable ones, which just means we never get to know them.

But it’s equally hard to deal with them because they don’t always present themselves clearly; they shift and move and slip away while we try to understand what the inner sensations are telling us, and what to do about them.

A common experience with loneliness is the feeling that a void has opened up inside, a pronounced sense of emptiness and loss that is entirely visceral and often accompanied by physical symptoms.  Even though emotions are mainly a matter of perspective, the physical reactions are very real, such as the sensation of having lost something tangible, and now there is an empty space that we don't know how to reach.

This is related to our fear of what happens when the "lights" in our lives go out.  Have you ever noticed that children are primarily scared of the dark, and not the daylight – how often have you heard of a child scared to play in their room during the day time?  But come nightfall, when all the lights are out, a child's imagination can easily take over, creating monsters that come from nowhere.

It is the same with our intense emotional experiences; when a strong and unknown emotion takes over, it has the tendency to stimulate our imagination, and suddenly emotional monsters appear that never existed before.

The truth is, most of us have never gotten over our fear of the dark; what we don't realize it that it is still living inside us, known to us as the pain of loss and confusion.  When these emotions surface, we are so unaccustomed to dealing with them that we panic and get lost in the sensations.  The world becomes an unfamiliar place, and all we know is that we just don't want to feel that way – we will try to find anything to fill that open and empty space.

The annoying thing about these intense sensations is that they do not go away when we run to various distractions; they just let themselves be covered over and pushed even deeper into us, and then one day when the distractions are gone (or no longer work), we are faced with what has been there all along.  Remove the daily comforts, and you'll find your fears, your loneliness, your sadness ... and yet they belong there as much as happiness and joy.

So what do you do when you find yourself in that shadowy realm, despite your best efforts? What happens when depression and discomfort show up in our lives, even though we have been trying our best to stay happy; or rather, to keep our happiness and not let it get it away?

I noticed that when I was feeling my loneliness, there was a knee-jerk reaction to fight against it.  Like I said before, it carried the suggestion of blame, the feeling that I had done something wrong, that some sort of mistake on my part had led to this sorry state.  

In order to 'fix' myself, I tried various remedies: I tried driving around; I tried hiking and investigating all the beautiful natural sights; I tried running; I tried sitting quietly; I tried listening to good music.  Anything that attempts to cover it up is just that: a cover-up.  My loneliness kept coming back, like relentless ocean waves meeting the shore - and now that it had surfaced, it wasn't going anywhere.

So, eventually, I choose the one thing left to me: to dive right in.  To purposely and willingly go straight into that existential angst, and push myself all the way to the center, so I could maybe learn something and discover what it was made of.

And that's what I did: I looked straight at it, I didn't push it away; instead I went into it.  I allowed the sensation of all that loneliness, all that fear and sadness, to wash over me.  I opened my heart and my eyes to it, and I stopped trying to pretend it wasn't there or that it shouldn't be there.  I welcomed it into my heart.

And a beautiful thing happened: it went away.  

Don't get me wrong: not completely, and not forever.  But when I finally stopped trying to figure out what could fill me and take away this sense of incompleteness ... then that very sensation disappeared.  

It wasn't instantaneous, and it wasn't earth-shattering.  It felt more like an evaporation, like low-lying clouds being burned off by the morning sun.  It simply began to grow weaker and weaker, until at last it was no longer the dominant feeling.

It’s a tremendous thing to do, to give your body permission to let go.  The physical tension, the emotional tension, even the mental restrictions that tell you to keep away from this dark and terrifying encounter … you just let it all go.  And sure, the grief and the sadness that is there can seem overwhelming and all-consuming, as mental and physical sensations that you are not sure you will be able to bear.  But unless you try, you might never know how much emotional energy you are capable of holding.

You have to practice letting go, you have to trust your body and your mind, and allow yourself go into whatever sensations you need to meet.  You will be surprised to find out what lies inside you, and you will be amazed at what your body, and your heart, can handle. 

There is incredible power found in receptivity, and this is one thing I see repeated over and over in spiritual texts, that learning to be “passive” or “receptive” in life is the key to finding your strength.  When I let the sensations of loneliness wash over me, and I gave the wounds and the grief and the tears the permission to be there and be with me … I found a place of stillness that was stronger than anything I had felt before.  

I found a level of acknowledgment inside myself that knew of, and accepted, and loved that empty and lonely space.  I discovered that there is an aspect of myself that is already holding and comforting my fears and my pain; and yet to get there, I had to first convince myself to go past the grief, to go even deeper into the empty sensation. 

It seemed that the only way to access that lovely mothering energy was to allow the pain and the grief to surface, to feel it so fully that it brought me into contact with another level of awareness.  It was like a beautiful and holy cave that can only be reached through a dark and water-filled entrance: in order to get to the inner beauty, I had to go through a full-body immersion of sensation and feeling.  There is no rationalization of this process, it is simply that you have to relax into the water of your emotions, let them surround and hold you, as you swim through and slowly move towards a calm and safe space.

And that was the very uncomplicated lesson I received from my loneliness: I need to take time to know myself.  If I discover and meet and accept every little facet of myself, I will be learning how to take care of myself.  And by that I mean specifically: to take care of my own emotional ebb and flow.  

By having this kind of intimacy with yourself, and knowing how to honor and respect it, you will find you are building your own stable house within your heart every day, your own safe space.  And no one can take that away from you, ever.

Those moments of fulfillment, those moments of bliss?  They come and go, come and go ... like the movements of the tide, coming and going in cycles, and never remaining static or fixed.  And it's the same with sadness, with fear, with loneliness - nothing will stay with you forever.  The more you contact the multitude of emotional expressions you have, the more rich and amazing your experience of life becomes.

So get to know yourself.  Get to know what lies inside you; explore and touch on and interact with the sensations that fill you.  You won't be disappointed, I promise.

The real adventure: YOU

I'm still coasting off the energy of my first post, where it was fun and exciting to sit down and decide, "Now is the time! Just do it!" And the excitement kept encouraging me, "Write that first post, and from there it will just keep going, and one day you will marvel at all the work you created when you look to see how far you have come along!"

And the buzz of starting something new keeps you humming and happy ... until you find that the words don't just come pouring out when you think they should.  There's a certain exhilaration in making the leap, the thrill of starting something new and exciting and all the possibilities of where it might lead, what it will feel like and how happy it will make you – and then at some point you realize that you have to keep that momentum going.

Now comes the reality: the path actually has to be made.  The first step has cast the intent, but the way to your dreams will only continue to appear as long as you continue to make each move.  Your creations are made of everything that follows after the big bang experience, and they won't grow by themselves; you are the engine that powers your vision.

So after step one comes step two; and this is the moment where the innocence of the Fool's journey meets reality and begins to take on a specific form that is like nothing else.  The uncertainty of starting something new is knowing you will see it morph and change, and it usually becomes something that's a little different (or a lot) from what you thought you were creating.  There are many reasons why we refer to our creative projects as our 'children'; one reason is that they grow and develop in ways we could never predict.  They are a part of us, yet uniquely themselves.

You can only have total control over your dreams when they are still dreams ... but when you decide to make them a reality you have to let go a bit.  You acquiesce and allow life to shape your creations as much as you do – and this is where things get interesting!  As your dreams move out into the world, there are bound to be reactions (can't get around it, for every action there is a reaction).  And these reactions will have their impact on you ... thus, the hidden side of your journey is to learn and study what these events bring up for you.

What do you do when life confronts you?  How do you react when life is difficult, boring, or downright mean?  How do you react when things aren't what you thought they would be?

Welcome to the real excitement: to discover and experience the personal journey that only you are on!  The thrills of the future aren't in the flashy moments and the big paychecks and the exotic locales (although those are all nice).  Rather, they are in finding out what lies inside of you, because what you are made of is what your dreams will be made of.  You are actively engaged in bringing your dreams to life; and they are actively engaged in bringing you to life.  In other words, it is the journey itself that becomes your most passionate experience: something that's alive and growing, changing and shifting, just like you and the world around it.

We don’t often realize that what we are creating and building is a process, which is the living and dynamic side to our dreams.  We are usually so caught up with the final image that we forget it is just a mirage; our fantasies are simply focal points to help us navigate the path we create.  Seen this way, the goal is hardly the important part, because it is the living, breathing act of getting to that goal that makes up our lives.  

Our fantasies are lived out during the process of reaching them: you actually touch your dreams through the little everyday details, the small and simple actions that move you along towards that desired outcome.  It’s found in the commitment to keep going when things are difficult, to keep caring when you are tired, and to keep working on every detail, even when the process seems slow and frustrating.  You have to constantly remind yourself that you are living out the active side of the dream right now ... even if it's nothing like what you thought it would be.  The things you do every day are the foundations and the food for your dreams – and if you want your dreams to come true, you had better pay attention to what you are feeding them!

In order to turn our ideas into reality, we have to first give them a form and then fill them with living energy; so the type of energy you bring to your journey is what will give substance to the final outcome.  Knowing this, it is imperative to study and pay attention to yourself along the way.  How do you deal with resistance; how do you deal with frustration, disappointment, or confusion?  Equally important is learning how you deal with success: what do you do with your triumphs, your achievements, and your joy?

There is so much that we learn about ourselves from letting these dreams take form, because there is so much yet to be encountered.  In the same way that you have an ideal version of your dream, you have an ideal version of yourself, and until this is confronted and challenged, you can't see it for what it is.  Just as life will influence and define your creations, it will be doing the same to you.  You will be changed and transformed by the time you reach your destination, and your path will have shaped you as much as you shaped it.

This should be what gets you excited enough to keep putting one foot in front of the other, this is what provides the energy for that engine of creation!  You are actively discovering yourself in every little action, in every decision you make along the way, and you discover yourself in your lowest moments and your highest achievements.  Ask yourself, what are you shaping, what kind of dream are you bringing into the world?  And then what is the world bringing out of you, how are you being shaped by your dreams?

It's always so exciting to look towards the future, and think of all that has yet to be discovered!  Every day we stand a little higher on our platform of understanding, with a little more clarity and knowledge from the foundation of our efforts.  Don't stop building that platform, and don't stop reaching towards those beautiful visions!  Because whatever you are doing right now is the real adventure, and it’s waking you up to who you are.  The joke played on us is that we think we are creating our dreams; when in reality, we are creating ourselves.

So don't go back to sleep: don't give in and don't give up.  Our dreams require us to be awake and paying attention, because they can't manifest on their own.  You're interacting with and living out your visions all the time, it just requires a little effort to raise your head and notice the marvel of the journey.

For it is a marvel: this very moment is the meeting point of dream and reality, of action and reaction, of past and future.  Don't ignore it.  Don't let it pass by unnoticed.  Staying aware of this moment is the wildest ride of your life ... welcome to the journey that is YOU.

first post ... let's do this

Yay!   First post!

Thought I should get this out of the way and see what it feels like to finally start posting my writing, since there always has to be a first step.  Once that imprint has been made, then the rest will come following, much like footprints in the sand ...

There is a beautiful quote by the poet Rumi, "As you start to walk out on the way, the way appears." 

The thing about a path in the sand is that it isn't seen in front of you, but is perfectly visible when you turn around.  Everything in life follows that same wandering, where the path becomes clear once the steps are all in place; but when you are facing forward, looking at the clean and untouched expanse of sand, you can step anywhere, create any sort of path you want.  Your pattern and trajectory only become clear once you pause and turn around to look at where you have been and what you have seen.

Kind of apropos that I should post my inaugural blog entry on April Fool's Day, symbolically represented by 'the Fool' in the tarot deck – a perfect example of blithely starting a new venture, with all the freshness and optimism of an early morning sunrise.

The Fool's journey has yet to be written, and there are any number of twists and turns to be encountered, yet the moment of beginning is the focus here.  The Fool is symbolic of getting past the initial hesitancy to create something new.  It's overcoming the fear of the blank page, or the clean canvas – and the fear is not just that you don't know what to create, it is equally about what you will not create.  It's the hair-trigger moment where you make your first move, and then what was once full of endless possibilities becomes distinctly itself, and nothing else.

The fear of the blank page isn't always that you don't know where to start, but that you also don't know what to leave out ... and what you don't say is just as important as what you do say.

So here's to making that first step, that first foolish gamble to try something new and see where it takes you ...  here's to placing your creations out into this world of ours: this beautiful, crazy place!